Job Recruiters say the darndest things

If you prick us, do we not bleed?

The Wall Street Journal recently produced a melodramatic tear jerker about the plight of recruiters in the modern job market.

“It’s a running joke here of the level of audacity,” Ms. Romans said of job candidates’ escalating bad behavior, which frequently includes “ghosting,” or vanishing without a trace on the people trying to hire them.

We don’t forget these things,” Ms. Romans said. “No one forgets.

You have sided against us in battle, this we do not forgive, or forget!

This article is filled with so much projection and absolutely no self-awareness or empathy, consider this:

Recruiters report they are stood up, kept waiting for appointments and regularly ridiculed online. That’s because in the tightest labor market since 1969, job seekers have the upper hand, and they know it.

Right, it’s only because job seekers (those narcissistic grab-asses) have the upper hand. We’re all just a bunch of sadistic sociopaths who flaunt our oppressive power against the poor benighted recruiters.

Gag me with a spoon.

Even more than that, the article goes on to tell us, weepy-eyed, how one recruiter “lost” $9,000 in commission because someone didn’t show up.

I’ll tell you, I lose millions in lottery winnings every week when someone else picks the right numbers. I’m so oppressed.

You don’t lose commissions, you fail to get them. Nobody robbed this chump, it’s not like job seekers are holding up job recruiters in back allies.

It’s never their fault. It never occurs to them that this kind of entitled narcissism is precisely the point. Dealing with recruiters is a frustrating and often pointless dance. Do you have any idea how many wasted hours of my life have been sunk into speaking to recruiters?

I’ve driven 40 minutes to an hour interview, and 40 minutes back only to receive a pointlessly vague rejection. I’ve had tech-ignorant recruiters give me the most ludicrous feedback on why they decided not to hire me. One asked completely ignorant questions which were impossible to answer correctly, another explained to me that using map[string] was inefficient and showed I didn’t know industry standards, only to have another one tell me that using a struct was too inflexible and I should have used a hash map.

Recruiter: Hi Jason, I saw your profile on Linkedin, and I have a number of interesting opportunities that you might be interested in. Would you be available for a telephone call at an inconvenient hour for someone who is employed full time?

Me: Umm… Yeah, okay — I don’t mind listening to your pitch because I’ve been thinking of branching out. I guess I could make time…

ring…ring…ring (oh, crap, right — guess these servers will have to wait)

Recruiter: Hi Jason, thanks for taking my pointless screening phone call. The whole idea of this conversation is to waste your valuable time setting up an interview at our office, I could have done this by email but I’m a people person and am under the illusion that talking to you for 5 minutes while you’re tired and stressed will help us build rapport!

Real quick, let’s go through a checklist of obvious things. Am I correct that you’re looking for a new post?

Me: Umm, yeah — I mean I’ve thought of branching out, or doing something new.

Recruiter: And you currently work at the place listed on your Linkedin profile?

Me: Yes…

[If you’ve been asked to move to the job location in another city, turn to page 83]

Recruiter: Fantastic Jason, would you mind scheduling an interview where I’ll offer you more or less the exact same types of positions you’ve already been doing for more or less the same pay?

Me: Uggh. I suppose, maybe I can negotiate to get something better.

Recruiter: You poor rube, will the middle of a workday be good for you?

Me: Umm, no, I have a fulltime position?

Recruiter: Oh, of course, how about we schedule a quick meeting directly after work making you have to drive to meet me all the way across town in full rush hour?

Me: I guess, because I’m a retarded masochist.

Recruiter: I know up until this point I’ve been pursuing you, getting you to meet me, but now I’d like to turn the tables on you with a surprise interrogation where I expect you to prove your worth by asking you to make an oral presentation of the CV you sent me.

Me: Yeah, I worked at all those places on the CV, I’ve been doing this for about 15 years professionally, but I started programming and building webapps when I was 14, so that’s about 21 years. I think I actually started before you were born…

Recruiter: Could you spend the next 10 to 15 minutes pontificating about your future plans, somehow making it seem like your goal in life is to be a happy cog in a soulless corporate wheel, while I judge you on how well adjusted you are to the idea of being a wage slave for the next 25 to 30 years of your life?

Me: Oh, this again. This is the part where I’m supposed to pretend that the reason we’re talking has nothing to do with the fact that I wouldn’t do any of the crap jobs you’re about to insult me with unless you paid me.

Recruiter: Wow, very interesting, so I have at least 3–4 projects and I think you’ll be excited by the pointless tedium of most of them.

Me: Well, actually, I’ve been branching out into other technologies and languages, and I’m looking to work in these fields.

Recruiter: Oh, that’s never going to happen. Our clients are looking for candidates with unreasonable amounts of experience in narrowly defined fields, and since none of the people involved in hiring have any real tech knowledge, your 15 years of professional experience in 5 major programming languages couldn’t possibly translate into competence in any other.

So would you be excited to rewrite a 70,000 SLOC legacy monolithic accounting application written by an intern for the fishing boat drive train manufacturing industry into microservices using a modified version of Symfony?

And you wonder why we hate you.

Nerdmatic, Programmer, Gamer, Production Engineer

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